Why did you do it?
by Devil-may-care101
Summary: Oneshot: D/L 4:19. Spoilers for that episode. Lindsay did turn up at Danny's after their talk, and now they have that talk that could make or break their relationship. What will happen to the once perfect couple?


_I was really depressed after reading the spoilers of season 5 of CSI NY so i thought i'd write something that would make me feel better. _

_Spoilers for 4:19_

_Disclaimer: Don't own anything. If i did, they whole Rikki thing wouldnt happen and i would change whats gonna happen in season 5_

* * *

Danny sat with his head in his hands for a long time after Rikki left. In front of him sat the remembrance leaflet Rikki had made for Ruben. Danny tried hard not to cry. He still felt the immense guilt of not being able to save Ruben, of not making sure he got home safe. But now, he felt even worse. Because he'd pushed Lindsay away.

He shouldn't have been so distant with her over the last few weeks since Ruben's death, but he'd found it so hard explaining to himself what was wrong, so explaining it to someone else was twice as hard. It seemed he should have at least tried. He knew that she wasn't any good at these types of situations, but he also knew that she could have helped him to cope. To give him someone to cry on, to talk to.

So why hadn't he let her in? He didn't want her to see him at his weakest, didn't want her to see him as the reason for a little boy's death. Didn't want her to have to deal with his moods. Didn't want to hurt her. Seemed he'd managed it anyway.

Danny wasn't used to relying on people. For most of his life, he'd relied on himself, believing that if he didn't rely on other people, then they couldn't let him down. He couldn't talk about his feelings, and when confronted, he usually made a joke or withdrew from everyone whom he cared about. It was amazing that he hadn't broken down on the past, what with all of his mistakes, his worries about his brother, his constant looking over his shoulder.

She was right. She knew how hard to was to lose someone that you loved, to see them one day then not see them the next, or any days after that. She'd survived the deaths of her best friends, and she'd managed to build herself a new life, despite the guilt she felt at being the only survivor. She'd eventually put the past behind her, at his insistence that she live in the present. And yet, when she tried to do the same thing for him, he'd shut her out.

And then he'd done the worst thing possible. He'd slept with someone else, as an attempt to ease his guilt. And she hadn't even crossed his mind until she rang him the following morning. And she still didn't know. How could he tell her now? She'd only just started talking to him again, only just started to forgive him for shutting her out. If he told her, he'd ruin everything he had, everything he held dear. Yet, if he didn't tell her, he'd be consumed with even more guilt. Except this time, he deserved to feel the guilt.

The day she'd told him that she loved him was awful to recall. He had been shocked about her revelation, so shocked he hadn't been able to utter a single response. He couldn't believe that she loved him. He, the person who had so much excess baggage, what with Louie and with Tanglewood. So he'd just stared after her as she walked off.

He'd tried to find her later that day to talk, but the look she'd given him had been so full of hurt he didn't know where to start. Not that he had the time to start. Seconds after Stella had left, the computer had spit out the location of the two missing children. Since then, they'd worked different shifts, different cases. She ignored his calls, just as he'd ignored hers. She'd only spoken the bare minimum to him, only related to cases. After months of just being with her, joking, laughing, having fun, her disappearance from his life was almost too much for him to bare. That was why he cornered her that morning in the morgue.

He'd always seen Lindsay as being gentle, as being a caring person who looked out for others before she looked out for herself. He'd been stunned by her response that she didn't know when they would talk. Shocked by her walking away from him. He should have been expecting it, it was what he deserved. But now, when he was finally ready to talk, she was shutting him out. Pushing him away, just as she had before leaving for Montana. Protecting herself. Protecting her already bruised heart. And he couldn't blame her.

He'd come back from work that evening to a once again empty apartment. She hadn't been there in months. Hell, even he had tried to be away from here as much as possible. Now that he couldn't hear the kid laughing anymore. But now, he was lonely. He suspected that this was who he'd made her feel recently, and it was a horrible feeling. He wanted her back, wanted her to be with him, wanted her to be able to make everything ok. But that wasn't her job anymore. He'd screwed everything up. And now he was the one who had to fix it.

He'd plucked up the courage to ring her, hoping that she wouldn't just hang up. He'd rang her home number, and waited until the machine came on. He couldn't deny that he was slightly worried. Lindsay should have been home hours ago, her shift had finished long before his. And she always answered her home phone, even if it was him. So when she didn't answer, he immediately had tried her cell. Which she had answered. He couldn't hide his relief that she'd answered, that for once she hadn't just hung up on him. Maybe she was ready to talk.

He hadn't been able to stop himself asking her where she was. As if he deserved to know what she did. He'd given up that right when he'd broken her heart. But yet, she'd answered him. She'd had a discussion with him. A little hope had flickered in his heart that maybe she'd be willing to work things out. But hearing her words hurt. Hearing the pain in her voice, hearing about how bad he'd made her feel seared through his heart. And he knew that now was the time to be honest. So he'd spoken from his heart.

"See the truth is I miss you, I miss you more than I can say. Even if I don't know how to say it."

He could tell that he'd shocked her, but still felt that it had been the right thing to do. He didn't want to tell her that he loved her, not now, not over the phone. She'd just think he was trying to make things better, that he wouldn't really mean it.

He couldn't deny that he was disappointed when she said she had to go. But he knew that he deserved it. He couldn't make things right just by one phone call and one heartfelt message. He knew that he'd have to work a lot harder to prove that he was sorry.

He'd been distracted by Rikki. He'd answered the door, and gaped when she said she was moving away. He'd felt a huge surge of guilt, but sensing it, Rikki told him that it wasn't his fault. That he didn't have anything to be sorry for. And when she'd left, he returned to the bar stool and put his head in his hands, thoughts split between Ruben and Lindsay.

* * *

Some time later he lifted his head and ran a hand through his messy dirty blond hair. Sighing, he decided that he needed to take a shower, that he needed to wash away everything that was weighing him down. Halfway to the bathroom, he growled, annoyed, when he heard his phone go off, signalling a text message. Thinking it was probably Mac, he went to pick it up and deal with it now.

New Message from Montana. Read now?

Rubbing his eyes to make sure he wasn't dreaming, he read the announcement again, before clicking yes to open the message.

_I'm sat outside in a cab. Can I come up?_

A cab? What they hell was she doing in a cab? The cabbie killer was still at large, and anyone could be his next target. Danny didn't want it to be Lindsay.

Typing a message back to say that she could, he waited. Sure enough, after a couple of minutes, her heard heels clicking along the floor, followed by a light knocking at the door. Looking out of the peep hole, making sure it was her, he flung the door open.

"Why the hell did you take a freaking cab? You know how dangerous that could be!"

Lindsay looked back at him, soaking wet from her rain walk, disbelief registering on her face. Running her fingers through her wet hair, she replied

"Well if you think I should have walked the 18 blocks to your apartment in the bleeding rain and the dark, bearing in mind most of the streets are linked with some rather suspicious looking alleys, I thought I'd take a chance. Besides, I had my gun, so I could have shot the glass out."

"That's not the point."

"Actually that is the point. Besides, nothing happened. I'm fine. Just soaking wet and absolutely freezing."

As if noticing her appearance for the first time, he ushered her indoors. Still shaking his head, he went to get her a towel, which she received gratefully, drying off her hair as much as she could. She took off her coat, and he took it from her, leaving it in the bathroom, where it could dry. Leading her to the sofa, he made her sit down.

"I'd still prefer if you didn't take a can until we catch this guy."

"Well, its not like I have much of a choice. My car is in for a service, the subway is down for repairs near where I live, and I live too far away from anywhere to walk."

"Well, I'll give you lifts or something. Just please, don't take a cab."

Lindsay surveyed him, trying to figure out his angle. Finally deciding that he was genuinely, for the first time in months, looking out for her, she nodded. "Fine. Whatever."

The look of relief that crossed Danny's face was obvious. Smiling slightly, Lindsay stood. "I'm going to change. I think I still have some clothes here from before…"Without finishing off her sentence, she wandered off towards the bedroom.

Danny watched her, unsure as to why she was here. On the phone, she'd sounded as if being with him was the last thing she wanted right now. Yet she was here. Shaking his head and making a note to ask her when she came back, he got up and began to make coffee. They were both on call that night, and Danny had consumed enough alcohol in the last few weeks to know that he didn't want to drink again for a long time.

He was some absorbed in his own thoughts that he didn't hear Lindsay's returning steps down the hall. She stood in the doorway to his kitchen, and leant against the frame, just watching him work. She hadn't done that in a while. She smiled again when she realised he was making coffee. He seemed to be able to read her like a book. Coffee was just what she needed right now, as she suspected that Mac would call them both in to work on the cabbie killer investigation.

Coughing to alert Danny to her presence, she watched as he turned towards her. She could see the shadows under his eyes, could see the tension in his shoulders, could see the pain in his eyes. She knew she should cut him some slack - she did know how hard to was to lose someone, but at least she had talked to someone. She was worried that if Danny didn't talk soon, then he'd explode.

Thanking him as he handed her her coffee, they went and sat down on the sofa once more, this time the air masked by uncertainty and insecurity. Avoiding each others eyes, they both stared into their coffees, trying to work up the courage to say something.

"How come you decided to come after all?" Danny's voice was quiet, sounding as if he was preparing himself for rejection.

Lindsay carried on staring downwards. "I don't know. I was walking, and I was thinking, and I just thought that I should just talk to you. I need to know whats what. Where we stand and all that. I just thought now would be as good a time as any to talk."

Danny nodded, chancing a look at her. She looked so lost, whether she knew it or not. She looked lonely, sad, disappointed. And it was all because of him. That pain in his chest returned.

"I'm so sorry Linds for pushing you away. I just…I saw myself as responsible for Ruben's death, and I didn't want you to see me like that. I didn't want you to have to deal with me being a jackass. I didn't want to hurt you."

"So you thought you should just push me away? So that you wouldn't hurt me?" Lindsay laughed bitterly. "Sometimes being pushed away hurts more than being there to help someone through their touch times. Like I said, I gave you space. I gave you every opportunity to open up to me, to talk to me, to let me know that I wasn't just a notch in your bedpost. Because that's what I feel like right now."

"What?"

"I feel like, I don't know. That you didn't want to be with me anymore, and that you just pushed me away so you didn't have to deal with me. That the reason you didn't talk to me was because you didn't want me around anymore. I mean if that's the case then I wish you'd have just told me so I didn't waste my time or embarrass myself!"

"How could you think that?!"

"How could I think that? Well let me see, you pushed me away, refused to talk to me, turned me down everytime I asked you to do something. Didn't sound like you wanted to be around me anymore…"

Danny's mouth was open in shock. He brought his hand to touch her cheek, causing her to look at him in the eyes. "God Linds, I never wanted to do that. I just didn't want you to see me this way. If I'd had any idea that this was what you were thinking…I know that you lost people that you loved. And now I lost someone, I didn't want you to be haunted by the people that you lost. I was, in my own misguided way, trying to protect you, to keep you from seeing those memories that plagued you for years. I didn't want to say anything that might upset you or bring back those memories. Please, you have to believe me."

Lindsay's eyes were filled with tears that she refused to let fall. Closing them to avoid looking at him, and refusing to enjoy the touch of his hand on her face, she sighed. "Danny, those memories made me who I am. I appreciate that you weren't intentionally doing this to hurt me. And I appreciate you were trying to protect me. But those memories, I'll never forget them. You can't protect me from them when they've already happened. You should just have let me help you. I could have been there when you cried. Could have been there when you wanted to talk. But you pushed me away, and that hurts. It made me feel worthless, like I couldn't do anything to help you." Giving up on trying to keep herself together, the tears began to fall. "Why did you do it Danny?"

Danny felt his heart break once more when he saw he cry. He'd hoped that after the trial the year before, he'd never see her cry again. And now he was the cause of it. He tentatively brushed away the tears with the pad of his thumb, whilst trying hard to hold back his own tears.

"Listen to me Linds. Don't ever doubt yourself like this. This was all my fault. It has nothing to do with you. It's all me and my misguided attempts to protect you from me. Don't beat yourself up over something I did."

Pulling Lindsay close to his chest, he let her cry. He knew that he didn't deserve to comfort her, but at that moment, it was all he could do to help her. He wished he could turn back the clock, and change what had happened. He wished he could take away both of their pain.

"I just don't know where this leaves us anymore Danny. I mean if something like this happened again, I don't think I could cope with it. Its breaking my heart now as it is.

"I know. I do, I swear. And knowing what I've done is making my heart break too. Just please Linds, don't give up on this. On us. I know I've made a mistake. I know that. Just give me a chance to fix it."

"How do we do that Danny? How do we fix this?"

"I don't know yet. But I will. I promise you that."

Lindsay nodded. It was all she could do. No matter how hurt she was, she knew that she missed Danny. She missed his jokes, his presence, his ability to make her feel better. But before she could give him another chance, she needed to know one more thing.

"Danny, there is something I need to ask you. And I want you to be completely honest with me ok. Or I don't know how we can make this work." She waited until Danny nodded. "Did you sleep with Rikki?"

She watched as he dropped his head, unable to look her in the eyes. He nodded. Lindsay nodded, more to herself than to him, and got up. Danny looked up wildly. "Linds please. Don't go. I can explain."

Lindsay smiled a small smile at him. "You don't need to explain Danny." She went and stood near the window, gathering her thoughts before she could speak again. Danny, glad that she hadn't stormed out, yet puzzled by her actions, took a small step towards her. "Linds?"

Lindsay kept her back to him, still looking out the window. Danny moved closer and put a hand on her shoulder. He wasn't surprised when she tensed at his touch, but was unprepared for her relaxing again almost immediately. Or her leaning her head on his hand.

"Danny, you honestly don't need to explain. I understand that grief makes people do things. All I need to know is whether you'd prefer to be with her than me." Her voice was so calm that Danny just gaped at her.

"Of course not. Linds, I'd much rather be with you. Sleeping with her was a mistake. We both know that. It was just a mistake. And I swear, I would never do that again. Honest to God."

Lindsay just nodded. Sighing she turned to face him. She could see the look of shock on his face. "What?"

"Its just…how can you be so understanding? After everything I've done to you, you're still willing to make this work. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that you're willing to give me another chance but you're just so…accepting."

Lindsay smiled briefly at him. "There were always thing I never told you about what happened after my friend's murders. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of, things that I thought would help me get over the pain of loss. They didn't, they just made me feel worse, and I hurt those around even more by doing them. I think they thought I'd never come back from it. I was in a dark place, just like you are now. And I think that sometimes we just have to work through things, even if we hurt others. it's the only way to understand how we truly feel."

Just then, both of their phones chirped into life, effectively ruining the moment of silence that had overcome both occupants of the room. Both shaking their heads, still trying to absorb everything they'd heard over the last half an hour, they reached for their phones, knowing that for now, their conversation was over.

"Mac." They both spoke at the same time. Sighing, Danny went to fetch Lindsay's coat as Lindsay grabbed her still damp shoes from underneath the heater. Within a couple of minutes, they were both ready to go. Before they could leave the apartment, Danny grabbed Lindsay's hands, and looked into her eyes.

"So we're ok?"

Lindsay looked back at him, seeing the fear of rejection, the guilt of what he'd done, the pain he still felt at the loss of Ruben. She nodded. Whether it took a few days or months or even years, they'd get there. They'd be ok.

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_Love it? Hate it? Let me know, i need cheering up so please review._


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